Jesus Tea 2.0

gallusrostromegalus:

OK, so since the Original post is a bit of an organizational mess and I’ve been getting asks and having to clarify things, here is the new, More comprehensible Recipe of JESUS TEA:

Disclaimer: I’m not a doctor, trained herbalist, or even a particularly good cook but this shit tastes like it came from God Themselves, and considently makes be feel drastically better when I get Colds, the flu or sinus infections.

PART ONE DO NOT SKIP: SALT RINSE

Ingredients: 

• 1Tsp salt. Doesn’t have to be fancy but if fancy salt will make you feel better then u do that.
  
• 1 small glass warm water
  

Dissolve salt in small glass of warm water.  Take large sips and gargle, then spit the water out, repeat until your throat feels like something you can breathe with insead of a rubber hose full of Pain Slime.  My doctor explained once how the salt breaks up the mucus buildup somehow, but I was high off my mind on Dayquil and was distracted by her third eye and don’t remember.  

Point is, gargling salt rinse will help with clearing mucus out of you swollen face and help with the pain and breathing.

Part B THE ACTUAL RECIPE:

Tools: 

• Large Pot (just make a ton of this at once so you can go back for mugs)
  
• Tea Infusers/Coffee filters/those little cloth bags: For steeping tea. 
  
• Working Stovetop
  

Ingredients:

• 1 Quart water, if you want more, double recipe.
• 2TBs Chamomile (in an infuser)
  
• 3TBS Roobois (in an infuser)
• 1 tsp each: cloves, cumin, cardamom
• ½ tsp each: white or cayenne pepper, Tumeric.
• ¼ nutmeg
• ¼ powdered cinnamon or 1 small stick
• Slice or 3 of giger root
• 2-bay leaves (all of the above in an infuser)
• ¼ cup or 1 lemon’s worth of juice
• 2 cups 100%+ Vitamin C Apple juice- cloudy juice or American Cider (NOT ALCOHOLIC CIDER) taste the best.
• A Shitwhack of Honey

HHOW TO MAKE THE THING:

1. Put water in pot, bring to a high simmer/not quite boil, reduce heat to medium, add infusers of Chamomile, roobois, and spices. Steep until tea is dark and fragrant even to your sad, clogged up nose, about 3-5 min depending on taste.
   
2. Remove from heat and allow to cool to a drinkable temperature and add lemon juice, apple juice and Shitwhack of honey:
3. How T pour a shitwhack of honey:  Open up cap on honey and start pouring.  Keep pouring.  Your spouse or roommate or parent will coem by and say in a cencerned voice “Isn’t that enough honey?”
4. “No.” you say.
   
5. There is never enough magic bee juice.
6. Let the bees heal you.
7. Drink the tea by the mug, alternating with glasses of water and occasional salt rinse until you are hydrated and no lnger feel like death warmed over.

FAQ:

Can I use this instead of Cold Meds? NO.  This only treat symptoms and beyond staying hydrated, won’t help heal you.  Be sure to get vaccinated if you can, and take the appropriate medications.  If your fever/symptoms last for more than 5-7 days, go see a doctor ASAP becuase Influenza is a dangerous disease and NOT to be fucked with.

I understand full well that modern captialism is bitch and that it’s hard to get time off to be sick but you can help your fellow proletariat by frequently washing your hands and avoiding touching things, keeping your face covered when possible, and being kind to yourself when you’re off work.

A Note about Cold Meds: As I found recently, lots of cold medication can interact dangerously with lots of Mental Illness medictions like SSRIs, antipsychotics, mood stabilizers etc. If you’re on ANY kind of long-term medication, use a Drug Interaction Checker to make sure you don’t accidentally fuck yourself up like I have.

Can I put Booze in? I extremely reccomend NOT doing so, as Alcohol is a sedative that can interact badly with cold meds, and taking sedatives while you’re having trouble breathing is not a great plan.  Don’t make your liver work overtime when you’re already sick.  If you’re perfectly healthy and think this is tasty, feel free to add whiskey or whatever to it.

Can I substitute differnet Ingredients?  Sure!  This recipie is a general guideline and you can add or remove whatever you want. Some Reccomendations

Adding tea: You could probably add a regular Black tea and have it taste fine. I don’t because the caffiene keeps me awake and I want to sleep when sick.  If you can’t have chamomile, green tea will have simmilar effects and flavor, but it also has a tocuh of caffine to it.

I want it spicier!  The Fire will heal me!: Add: More ginger, more cayenne, or a bit of sriracha at the end, with the honey.

I’m a spice weenie!: Less tumeric, ginger or pepper, maybe trim the lemon, but it’s good for your throat.

I can’t have Magic Bee Juice:  That’s fine! Use whatever sweetener you like.  I like honey because it tastes good and sometimes it helps throat pain the way others don’t.

On Apple Juices:  Check the label of you apple Juice to make sure it’s the kind with 100% or more of your DV of Vitamin C, becuase that will help treat the uncomfotable symptons of your particular yuck and help you recover faster. Juicy Juice and Motts tend to be good brands.

On Meausrements:  I’m an american and bad at math.  Everything’s in nonmetric and I have no idea how to convert it to Civlized measurments. Sorry.

(via thewrongexecution)